Painful words

I met Felix before I gained admission as I wanted to be acquainted with the school. Felix and I had been friends since I started university, he was tall, taller than most people I knew but not buff, you could easily swallow him up in a hug.

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The first day of university I got lost, as my department was a comparatively new one, why not, but I’d met Felix online and connected so I called him when I’d lost all hope to get to my class.Fast forward to my 200 level I had only made two good friends, Felix and Sandra. It might seem like I wasn’t trying enough but I tried in 100 level but got shaded for my outfit and mobile I used at the time, I didn’t want to associate myself with people who didn’t value my person but rather valued my outlook it was just one of the messed up things about society I guessed.
Since I started university I was hustling because coming from a family like mine you’d know that it’s not everything they can give you. I interned with a printing press close to school, till they gave me a place to lay my head because I was jumping to and from different houses. I was happy, relieved even. I didn’t have to move around anymore.

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Felix, Sandra and I had come a long way, we talked lengthily during the holidays about life and love, then Felix started coming on to me about how he liked me, I was surprised as I knew and felt for him only as a friend, I told Sandra about it and she told me that before I came to school, because I resumed a little bit late, he had asked her out but she humbly declined. I don’t know why I felt jealous but I did and wondered why he was asking out two friends. I was very confused but I guess I wasn’t thinking far. Did I like him? Is that why I felt jealous? I couldn’t answer that, I’ve never been in a real relationship before so how would I know, but wasn’t I supposed to know. Na wa, he kept on coming at me, telling me how he felt and I succumbed and I agreed but before I did I told him I didn’t know how I was supposed to feel but right now I feel for him only as a friend, he said not to worry after sometime my feelings for him would change, I said okay and we started dating.
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He would come and take care of me on the days I felt sick, he would cook for me, fetch water for me, do anything to make me smile but I was numb, I felt nothing. Absolutely nothing. I couldn’t continue like this we had made it into our third month as a couple and I still couldn’t feel anything, I told him I want to break up and he refused, I then told him the words I knew will forever hurt him, the words that hurt me as I said it because I didn’t want him to waste his time on me, I didn’t want him to give without receiving. I told him I never needed him, and he was forcing himself into my life when I never asked him for help when I never asked him for anything. I told him he has failed as a man and only losers act like this. He was broken, and he slowly turned and walked away.
Till date I know it’s my fault if only I didn’t accept to go out with him, we’d still be close friends, I wouldn’t have lost my friend, I wouldn’t have hurt my friend. It’s all my fault, I was too selfish.