Intrusive Thoughts

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What do you do when you feel like you're in over your head? When the gap between where you are and where you want to be seems like a mountain, when the task you are currently faced with seems unstoppable, and the mountain you're trying to climb is too big, you look at yourself and ask yourself how did those who did it before you actually do it. And those around you wave it off like it is nothing with statements like "It'll be alright in the end." Sounds like they already have their own plan or they just don't care.

"Will it be alright in the end?" "Will it really be alright in the end?" "Am I overthinking things or am I right to be worried?"

Questions fill your head, uncertainty, fear, doubt, circling around, going back and forth, left and right up and down, everywhere at the same time. Your mind is a clusterfuck and you don't know if it should be or it shouldn't.

"Don't waste precious time worrying, work towards fixing the problem."

"No, you need to really evaluate and fix things, you can't just take a cold plunge into the ocean and expect things to work themselves out. There needs to be a plan. If you just YOLO things you'll end up making things worse."

There they go again, stay calm stay calm they'll quiet down eventually.

"What if you keep trying and you never succeed? What makes you so special?"

"Why not listen to those before you and just do things the exact same way they did?"

"No, no that won't work the world is always evolving and moulding, trying methods that worked for them won't necessarily work for you. Forge your own path."

"But how do I forge my own path when there's so much restriction being placed on me?"

"Who is restricting you?"

"Family, society, the nation..."

"Come on, at this point, you're just bitching. No one is restricting you, you are the one restricting yourself."

"How can you say I am not being restricted?"

"What are they gonna do to you if you decide to do your own thing?"

"Uhmm..."

"You see !!! Nothing. You are only scared of what they'll think of you. Scared because if you go against them then you have no choice but to climb that mountain you're so afraid to face. And if you don't climb, you'll suffer the consequences. Become that thing you're so afraid to become, the one thing you have spent your life running from ever since you understood what it meant as a teen. That thing you're so scared of that you don't even want to mention. You know what, say it!"

"No!"

"Say itttt!!! What is that one thing you're afraid to become?!"

"A failure."

"That's right. And you know the craziest part about all this, you still won't break free after this discussion. Am I right?"

"You are right."

"And why is that?"

"Because safety is better than having nothing."

"You are wrong!!!!! It is because you are weak."

All of a sudden they're quiet again. I didn't realize I'd been clenching my fist the whole time. I sit down at the table and get back to work, have a deadline to catch.

THANKS FOR READING

_{Cover Image by Julien-Pier Belanger}