Paunchy Confidence
"I'm not thin anymore"...
Coming from someone who had been naturally thin before but is being bullied for it, I have always dreamed of saying this line.
Even though I had a small stomach, and curvaceous hips (due to the fact that I have genetically large hips and that I was so thin my hip bones were showing), I wasn't confident in it. People, especially men, tend to bully me because I looked "too thin".
The bullying even went to the point where they physically hurting me already.
But everything changed when the fire nation attacked.
Just kidding. HAHAHA I'm currently having an Avatar Aang marathon right now in Netflix so corny ass puns like this happens a lot.
But yes, everything changed when I went to Costa Marina. While writing for my Costa Marina blogpost, aside from the fact that the place was beautiful, the Part 1 and the Part 2 made me realize how I felt with my body at the time when I was wearing a bikini.
I have always LOVED wearing bikinis
It makes me sexy, beautiful, adored, admired. And it makes my tattoos stand out! Which makes me look cool. hahahaha
I was so cautious about it at first. I wanted to delete my pictures my friends took me while I was in my bikini. Though I felt beautiful and sexy, at the back of my mind, I was fat. Too fat that I don't feel or even look sexy anymore.
Look at how my little stomach is peeping out from my bikini. hahaha. The bikini is also sized extra small, so maybe that's why. My friend also has the same paunchy stomach as mine but is well hidden by the illusion of her black one piece swimsuit.
If you'll zoom in, you can see stretchmarks, my lovehandles, the darken areas of my bumbum. Yes it wasn't perfect to look at but it made me feel beautiful. I feel sexy. I feel free.
No matter how much I try to hide it, it always comes out...naturally. I cant hold my breath for a day just so people can see a flat stomach. So what if a paunchy stomach comes out? Will I get jailed for it? Will I be hated for it?
Maybe. Maybe they'll judge me.
Mock me.
Insult me.
Turn me into a joke.
A laughing stock.
But then again...
So what?
So what if people think silly stuff because of my body?
I love it.
I get to enjoy life with it.
I can finally wear a normal shirt, skinny jeans, spaghetti strapped tops.
I'm happy to eat what I want.
I can flaunt my very existence.
The stretchmarks I have
The darken areas of my body
The fat that keeps me warm
The imperfectness of my being makes me who I am today.
All of them are the foundations of my hardwork and perseverance.
All of them are the fruit of my very existence.
Finally, I can love my body.
I can finally accept it.
After being in Costa, I have learned to love and respect every inch of my body. Though imperfect, I am still blessed with a body that can still move, eat, read, sleep, work, play, travel, and all the other stuff life can offer.
I look normal, but I feel extraordinary.
CONFIDENCE. WILL. COME. IF. YOU. ACCEPT. IT. TO. COME.
You can never please every last person on earth. But what you can do is make them shift their perspective on you. If you feel beautiful and feel confident in it, they'll see the same. But then again, who tf cares about what they think about you right?
To all the girls reading this, you are beautiful. You are smart. You are talented. You are loved. You are important. You are needed. You are unique. Every fucking positive word out there describes you. And don't you fucking deny it.
At that moment in Costa did I felt my besssst!!! Who doesn't feel their best when they feel they're beautiful and empowered at the same time?
Flaunt that paunchy confidence girls!!!
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As women, we are always expected to be "perfect". Fuck that. No matter what you do, you'll never please everybody. They will try to shame us for things that we do and even things that we can't control. Once you start loving yourself, you realize that there's no point adjusting according to their standards because what matters the most is YOU and what you think of yourself.
I was also very insecure of myself (I still have some but not as much as before) because I thought I was so ugly, I'm not fair-skinned, I have hyperpigmentation in some areas of my body as well, etc etc.. I've never wore a bikini before until our outing in Pantukan. :D I was a bit scared and shy but when I heard your "complaints" about your body, I felt normal. Those complaints you say about your bodies literally don't look ugly in my eyes haha so I realized that it's really just ourselves who's our loudest critics.
You are beautiful and it's good that words from other people don't affect you anymore. Rock those tattoos and do whatever you want with your body. They can die of envy. :D
I totally agree on that @hiddenblade 😖❤️ Society's standards on women's beauty are just too irrational. If you go against their shitty standards, you'll be called ugly and be an outcast to society. That makes me think I am no worth, I am no value since I don't met their expectations. BUT TF I CARE NOW. Fck flabs. As long as your healthy and happy, then alls good.
Honestly saying, the insecurities you have been so used to thinking, is still inside my head. But I try to overcome it by not giving a damn about what they say anymore. I'M TIRED of what they think about my body and how I look. No matter what we do, they all still have something to say. Ya'll cant please all bastards in this world.
Those complaints went even stronger and the insecurity went higher when people, ESPECIALLY MEN, bullied me for it. Its like, at that time, it made me think no man would want me or like me cause I looked ugly in their eyes.
Thank you for thinking that my complaints on my body are not ugly:)
But wait, your first bikini was in Pantukan??? OUR Pantukan???? Hold up, you didnt tell me thaaaat. Megeeeeeeeeeed.
Hahahaha the bitch that I told you about can kiss my ass cause Imma flaunt this tats and body. hahahaha fcking beech be realizing she'd die of envy cause SHE CANT DOOOOOOO what I can do, (like tats). HAHAHA
Thank you again @hiddenblade ! Thank you for always being my support on stuff like this :) 😘❤️
Healing takes a long time, so don't feel disappointed at yourself whenever you feel insecure or you catch yourself caring about what they say. It's perfectly normal to feel that way so it's okay. :D
Yeah I also just realized it hahaha.
Hahah yeah fuck that piece of shit "friend". She just probably befriended you cos you were insecure at that time so she can feel better for herself. And now seeing that you levelled up and not the insecure person anymore, she wants to drag you down at the same level she met you. Now she's on a high horse and want you to feel bad about yourself but honestly there is NOTHING you should be apologizing for and nothing for you to feel bad about.
Thank you for your words @hiddenblade. It really encourages me :)
Gad, I though you have been wearing a bikini after we graduated highschool or something. hahahaha
hahahahah looking back, her judgment on me was pretty funny. Its as if she dont do shitty stuff as well. And yeah youre right. Bitch be dragging me down on her OWN insecurity. hahahaha I think she just jealous cause she's not allowed to have a tattoo and she's too much of a fcking coward to be pierced by a needle. lol.
EXACTLY! That line, I really do not have anything to apologize for. I choose it so Imma stand to it.
I love this for you. The fact that you know your body is beautiful and perfect just the way you are.
Thank you :) I'm still learning on self-love though. Its a process. A beautiful process full of acceptance and idontgiveadamn feelings. 🤣
I wish you all the best🫶🏽
I too as well :)
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Very few of us can actually be comfortable displaying our flaws. I will not even say flaws, just the parts that we do not feel comfortable, but that is also in our mind. These are all the blocks of the mind that the society has created that a woman look in a certain manner in bikini or other outfits. I think it is just about you, how you love yourself.
Though I am feeling strong on self-love and all, I too am still in the very rigid process of it. I'm still learning, so slow, on how to accept every nook and cranny of my being. I know all the girls are going in the same process too :) And yes, it is so sad that society have this standard for women in bikinis. Women should have their body looking like a supermodel or a toned gym type of girl or something. Like hello, can we just all wear something we want and just enjoy the beach? Geez.....
For as long as you are healthy, your body, your mind, your soul, then all's well.