LETTING GO

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I tired taking a steady breath, to calm my already aching heart but the pain was too much it was almost suffocating. I dropped to the floor, unable to stand any longer. The pain threatening to drown me in it. So this is what how it feels to jave your heart being broken by someone, I thought to myself.

Never in a million years would I believe that Melvin could do this to me. How could he? I asked myself again. The tears already flowing like a river down my eyes. I clenched my chest in a move to quell the heavy ache I felt, but it was of no use. No amount of injury could surpass the pain I felt inside at this moment.

I didn't know how to react. So many emotions coursing through me me. I felt stupid; how could I have not seen it all along, I thought to myself. Maybe the saying that love makes you blind was indeed true. The signs were all there; how could I not see it? I was hurt but most of all angry. Angry at myself.

I had invested my time in this man. And now, after all we've been through all these years, he just threw it all away for another woman. The tears kept on flowing, harder this time as I thought back to all the times we had shared together. How he would hold me in his arms every time I had a bad dream. How he loved it when I called him Mr. Melvin. How he would smile at me whenever I danced around the house. God, it hurts. I thought back to all the times he told me he loved me. Was it all a lie? Had he been fooling me all along?

My mom had warned me to stay away from Melvin; I could still hear her words ringing in my ear like it was yesterday.

"Stay away from Melvin; he would not marry you; he would only use you and dump you," she had told me several times.

How could I have been so foolish, I said again to myself?

"Mom, I'm sorry," I said in a small whisper, wishing that she would hear me from the grave or wherever she was now.

I didn't know how long I lay there in the ground, lost in all the memories we shared together before I drifted asleep. But my subconscious seemed to have other plans for me. I dreamed back to the first time we met in college. It was that season of the year everyone always looked forward to. We were about to go on holiday that period for Xmas. But as tradition demanded back then in college, you had to exchange a gift with someone special to you. I remembered opening my locker one day to see a secret gift in there with a note

"I didn't have the courage to do it in person, but I hope you like it. From my heart to yours.

Your secret crush," it said.

I went on to open the secret gift, and behold, it was a beautiful gold necklace with intricate designs. I loved it. My curiosity Curiosity got the better of me, and I strove every day to unravel my secret crush. The day I finally found out who he was, we were at the school garden alone, and he confessed his feelings for me. I was so happy because I also felt the same, and that's how we started.

I stared in my sleep, waking up slowly to the bright light that shone through the windows from the sun. Realizing I was only in my room and it was yet again another day, I took a deep sigh wishing I hadn't woken up. I would prefer a thousand times to be lost in the past, in the good times we shared, than to face the reality of what is. The fact that we were no longer together.

The days passed by in a blur with me doing the same routine. Forcing myself out of bed every morning to prepare for work and flopping myself back down on the bed every night, tired from work. I drowned myself in work, needing some sort of distraction, something to keep me busy so my mind wouldn't drift back to that dark place. That was my coping mechanism.

My best friend Anny started getting worried.

"Cynthia, you have to take it easy, or one day you'll collapse," she had said to me several times.

"I'm fine; I can handle it," I had replied to her every single time.

It was the lie I kept telling myself every single day to keep going. But the truth was, I was a wreck inside. The only way I could move on was if I got some sort of closure. I needed to know the reason why he left me. That question kept burning in my head every single day. I had to know.

That night, As I got home, I decided to call him and so I dialed his number. It was the first time we were to speak after our breakup. He picked up on the first ring.

"Hello, Cynthia," he said, with that familiar deep voice that had my insides curl up with a familiar longing.

"Hi," I said with a shaky voice, feeling my resolve falter a bit.

Taking a steady breath, I tried to calm my already racing heart. I decided to be professional to make things a lot easier.

"Can we talk in person," I said.

"Okay, about what?"

"Can we meet at our usual spot tomorrow?" I asked a bit apprehensive that he would decline.

There was some minutes of silence, then he answered.

"Alright, by what time?" He asked

"7 am would be perfect," I said.

"Okay," he replied, and I hung up the call.

I released a deep breath I didn't know I was holding.

The next morning came far too quickly. I stood outside the restaurant staring at him. My legs unwilling to move. I had taken the time to dress well and do a little bit of my makeup. I felt my heart racing all over again. I needed to be professional; we weren't together any longer. This was just for closure, I reminded myself as I walked in.

The conversation was a bit awkward at first. We started off light, each of us trying to avoid the big elephant in the room. But I couldn't help it anymore.

"Why?" I asked him desperately.

"Was I not good enough? Did I do something wrong?" I kept asking.

"Why did you have to go to Mary, do you love her?" I said all the questions that kept on burning in my head.

He looked at me for a while, saying nothing.

"Cynthia," he started off, taking my hands in his.

"It wasn't your fault; you did nothing wrong, and I'm not with Mary. We are just friends." He said reassuringly.

"So why then did you break up with me?" I asked, my voice barely a whisper.

"Look, Cynthia, it was all me. You deserved better than this. I need time to sort myself out on my own. I love you; I still do. But I have to do this on my own." He said, removing his hands from mine.

We stared at each other for a while. the chemistry between us fully there and alive. Before he pulled back

"I should go now," he said.

"Goodbye.". He said, walking out of the restaurant.